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Jesus Lame; Bibleman Kicks Butt
Not since the Ten Plagues Magic Set has such a craze swept over Christian children. Bibleman, armed to the teeth with amazingly devastating weapons like the sword of the Spirit, is a valiant action hero that kids can relate to and emulate. "Jesus is neat and all," said 11-year-old Eli Walling. "But Bibleman kicks butt!" he continued. Psychologist R. T. Bainsworth noted, "In a world devoid of positive role models, kids need someone that they can imitate and model themselves after, and Jesus is just not getting it done. Maybe kids were different in Bible times, but modern children just can't walk on water or heal the blind, and you can forget about ascending to heaven," said Bainsworth.
Dr. Samjung Hamilton, noted expert on Christian children, remarked that, "The modern child is less mystically inclined than the biblical children of old; 'moderns' are better suited for physical activities like punching and kicking, and that's where Bibleman is such a needed change." "It's true," stated a local Christian parent; "my kid can kick the ever living crap out of evil people or objects in the same righteous style of Bibleman."
This reporter personally witnessed an inspirational moment at the Abilene Christian Schools in which a little evil girl called some other child a horrid and blasphemous name. In no time at all about 7 little saints used techniques such as Bibleman's "holy crotch kick" and "heathen throat yank" to pummel this little Jezebel. Jose Garcia, the 12-year-old who finished the little harlot off with a flurry of thrown stones, remarked, "Anytime I see the devil flare up in anyone, I just do what Bibleman would—I give them a Spirit-led righteous beat-down."
Move over Jesus, Bibleman is here, and he's not here to bring peace—but the sword.
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New Product: Rice-paper Tracts
Finally the long debate over whether it is more important in ministry to care for the needs of the soul or body can now be buried in an unmarked grave. Nutrition and evangelism have finally met, and the romance that ensued gave birth to Rice-Tracts: edible evangelistic Bible tracts.
Hear third-world missionaries exclaim the benefits of Rice-Tracts: "Out in the middle of nowhere it's almost as good as quinine." "I no longer have to explain why God cares about the sparrows but hasn't for Ethiopia in decades." "It tastes just like honey."
This innovative melding of two previously incongruous theories should have a profound impact on evangelistic success in famine-ridden areas. "It used to be that starving people could only make it through the 4th Bible study and they'd die," said Tom Rhiles, missionary to Rwanda. "This was 4 studies short of when they should get baptized," he continued, "and my supporting congregation's elders noticed. With Rice-Tracts, they don't die until lesson 13 or so, and that's well after they've been saved."
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Heartburn Mistaken for "Call to Ministry."
During a lunch gathering with his friends at El Fuego's Mexican Restaurant, Kuan Yu Fang, a freshman Industrial Technology major, mistook a nacho-induced state of heartburn as a call from the Lord to do youth ministry.
During this acid-reflux "call to ministry," all of Fang's youth and family ministry friends were discussing the benefits of youth ministry. They believed the water-fights, pizza parties, and service trips to Cancun made youth ministry a great choice for a "career." At this time Fang bit irresponsibly into a peppy jalape&#ntilde;o, which sent him into an ulcer-induced state of heartburn. Fang interpreted this acute feeling as a prompting from the Lord-immediately before rushing to the bathroom.
After returning, Fang announced to his friends his call to youth ministry. "Hey guys! Jesus just spoke to me. He placed it on my heart to enter into youth ministry." Fang's friends rejoiced and laid hands on him, accidentally spilling hot queso on his lap, which led Fang to utter something else about God that was not related to his call.
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