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News Blurbs....
In unsurprising fashion Bret Anglo won Best Male Lead for his rendition of Jesus of Nazareth at this year's Dove Awards. "How can you vote against Christ," said an unnamed judge, " I mean he IS the Messiah—he does everything perfect." This notes the seventh consecutive triumph for the Jesus character.
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It's official: ACU has taken the "biblical" out of dating. "I'm really surprised," remarked Jennifer Hughes. Students attending recent brown bag lunches have been bombarded with the simple message "Bringing biblical knowledge in a relationship is unacceptable." Confused, Jennifer exclaimed "I guess they want us to get to know each other like pagans!"
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Area student spills "His cup"; smote immediately.
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A recent survey announced Monday that male M.Div. students think about God every 8.3 seconds; female students have similar thoughts only every three to four days.
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In an effort to more accurately reflect economic realities and to be more politically correct, ACU's dean of students has announced that freshman males will be called "first-year students," while first-year women will be known as "spoiled-girls."
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ACU press is entering litigation with a Christian owned hot sauce company over the title of its recent release "God's Holy Fire."
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Michael Servetus' Choose Your Own Adventure book, published by Calvinist Press, always ends in an undeserved and cruel stake burning.
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Jesus Christ Cloned?
German scientist Dr. Otto von Bieteslurpe has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the famous Shroud of Turin actually was the burial cloth in which Jesus was laid.
Dr. von Bieteslurpe revealed that six years ago he successfully cloned a human male from the blood found on the Shroud. Lab staff affectionately dubbed the first boy "Mini-Messiah." Marketing just loved the name and all subsequent clones are imprinted with it.
Von Bieteslurpe intends to sell the "Mini-Messiahs" on eBay and is confident that he will make a pretty penny in the process. He commented, "Everyone in Christendom already talks as if Jesus is their personal Lord and Savior. I am simply asking Christians to put their money where their collective mouth is."
Christian marketing analyst, Shirley Cox, fully expects that sales of "Mini-Messiahs" will surpass those of the WWJD bracelets. "Christians no longer have only clothing and jewelry to express the sincerity of their faith. They now they have the opportunity of putting their faith on a leash and taking it with them wherever they go!" Cox excitedly stated.
Concerned Christian Jamie Parker plans to buy several "Mini-Messiahs" as gifts for her non-Christian friends. "I never feel adequate sharing my faith with my friends so I decided to let Jesus share my faith for me." Several Christian denominations have already put Parker's words into practice and have sent their "Mini-Messiahs" on door-knocking campaigns in the more seedy areas of town, so that they could focus more specifically on "kingdom business" in their congregations, such as planning the budget, and deciding whether or not they want to use a worship team.
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Masochist Declares "Hell not that Bad"
On a recent episode of "Crossing Over," John Edwards reassured "Butch," a calloused biker mom, that her masochistic son, Teddy Newman—"Tequila Worm" to his friends—was doing well in his eternal place of abode. In fact, through Edwards Teddy exclaimed jubilantly, "Hell really isn't all that bad. I enjoy the daily skin flailings and the brutal sledgehammer massages." Much to the dismay of the studio audience Tequila Worm's mother seemed quite relieved by the news. John told her that Teddy felt that "he could not possibly be in a better place," and that "he had not had this much fun since he had done hard time in San Quentin." Tears fell from Butch's eyes as Edwards relayed to her Teddy's last message: "Mom, I just want to let you know that all the years that I spent locked in the basement eating nothing but puppy chow and drinking anti-freeze has made Hell feel like Club Med. I knew all the beatings and neglect would pay off some day. I owe my present comfort all to you—sniff." Edwards said that Teddy couldn't waste any tears because he needed the salt to aggravate his growing collection of self-induced papercuts.
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