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Systematic Theologians Preparing To Release Next Year's (2003) God
The last couple of years have been dominated by the innovative Deity Design Team (DDT) of Claremont College. They have set trends like a partially omnipotent omniscient God. Other features have included suffering and an on-the-fly transfer between coercion and persuasion.
In years past other design teams have drawn heavily on modern theological influences such as kenosis, persuasion, love, and universalism in God's nature.
Fred Aquino, an analyst in the field, feels that the theological design trends in the coming year will be retro, moving back to traditional lines and forms. "Look for an eternal triune God who isn't afraid to condemn," predicts Aquino. Other features might include creation ex nihilo and exclusivity.
"All in all, the God of the next few years will be a good change of pace from the soft stuff we have seen lately," remarked Aquino.
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Youth Minister Reports Song-Related Psychoses
Concerned youth minister Degrin Swayze has noted an unusual number of psychotic tendencies among members of his youth group that he believes are related to some of the songs they sing during their worship times.
Swayze mentioned specifically mentioned Necia, a 13-year-old girl who has last several pounds in the past week and has been too ill to attend school. "Her psychologist told me that Necia screamed in a hypnotic-induced slumber that she 'had missed the evening train'—as she flailed wildly on the observing table."
He also noted that John, a senior in the youth group, has developed symptoms not unlike those of Tourette's Syndrome and that he has become unpredictable in large groups. "At the recent graduation dinner, John suddenly burst out in the middle of an elder-led prayer, 'I said I wasn't going to pray about it but I couldn't keep it to myself.' Following his unexpected ejaculation, he waved his hands in the air and spun around two times in place. He then sat back down as if nothing happened."
The most disturbing anomalies that Swayze has noted are the recent string of three spontaneous combustions that have resulted after the singing of the song "Light the Fire." In our interview with Swayze, it was clear that the recent occurrences had left him baffled. "I really did not thing that the songs that we sing in worship really impacted people. I guess I was wrong."
To counter the string of pyschological dysfunctions present in his youth group Swayze plans to proactively lead his group in the songs There Is a Balm in Gilead, Jesus Loves Me, and He Could Have Called Ten Thousand Angels.
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Churches of Christ Strike Corporate Sponsorship Deal
Several C of Cs have inked deals with major corporations to better meet the needs of American church-goers. Companies such as Geritol, and Ben-Gay have purchased the rights to the songs Amazing Grace and When I surveyed the Wondrous Cross. Songs that prepare the Lord's church for communion are now brought to you by such well-known companies as McDonald's, Welch's, and Uncle Jake's Do It Yourself Communion Kit.
Though most church-goers have welcomed this trend, one notable church split has occurred because of its influence. Several of the older members of the Sam Walton Memorial Church of Christ in Bentonville, AR, have left the church, forming their own congregation—the Old Navy Church of Christ—across town. They claimed that some of the more emotive songs in the hymnal have begun to be shamefully advertised and they could not endorse this trend.
At the Sam Walton congregation a PowerPoint slide announced one Sunday that Viagra had sponsored the songs "There's a Stirring" as well as "Soldiers of Christ, Arise." Long-time member Jabez Dole commented on the advertising fiasco: "Why can't we keep sex out of worship? Its presence is clearly unauthorized in the New Testament!"
In a savvy business maneuver, the Nike corporation anticipated the split and bought ad time at the church accordingly. When the elders announced the formal split at the Sam Walton congregation, a visual featuring Michael Jordan and a snazzy shoe appeared on the church's screens with the slogan underneath, "Vote with your feet. Just do it." The advertisement elicited applause from the congregation.
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